Sunday, October 23, 2011

The Dark Sucker

                 The Dark Sucker Theory (courtesy of rec.humor.d)

For years, it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light,
but recent information has proved otherwise.  Electric bulbs don't
emit light; they suck dark.  Thus, we call these bulbs Dark Suckers.
The Dark Sucker Theory and the existence of dark suckers prove
that dark has mass and is heavier than light.
First, the basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs
suck dark.  For example, take the Dark Sucker in the room you are in.
There is much less dark right next to it than there is elsewhere.  The
larger the Dark Sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark.
Dark Suckers in the parking lot have a much greater capacity to suck
dark than the ones in this room.
So with all things, Dark Suckers don't last forever.  Once they are
full of dark, they can no longer suck.  This is proven by the dark spot
on a full Dark Sucker. The dark which has been absorbed is then
transmitted by pylons along to power plants where the machinery uses
fossil fuel to destroy it.
 A candle is a primitive Dark Sucker.  A new candle has a white wick.
You can see that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing
all the dark that has been sucked into it.  If you put a pencil next to
the wick of an operating candle, it will turn black.  This is because
it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle.  One of the
disadvantages of these primitive Dark Suckers is their limited range.
There are also portable Dark Suckers.  In these, the bulbs can't
handle all the dark by themselves and must be aided by a Dark Storage
Unit.  When the Dark Storage Unit is full, it must be either emptied
or replaced before the portable Dark Sucker can operate again.
Dark has mass.  When dark goes into a Dark Sucker, friction from
the mass generates heat.  Thus, it is not wise to touch an operating
Dark Sucker.  Candles present a special problem as the mass must travel
into a solid wick instead of through clear glass.  This generates a
great amount of heat and therefore it's not wise to touch an operating
candle. This is easily proven for lightbulbs too. When you compress a
gas, it gets hot, right?  So the light bulb gets hot because of all the
dark being squished into the wires. 

 Also, dark is heavier than light.  If you were to swim just below
the surface of the lake, you would see a lot of light.  If you were to
slowly swim deeper and deeper, you would notice it getting darker and
darker.  When you get really deep, you would be in total darkness.  This
is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the
lighter light floats at the top.  The is why it is called light.

 Dark Suckers are only able to suck dark in a straight line. Dark,because of its mass, will not penetrate solid, opaque objects as it is being sucked by a Dark Sucker. When a Dark Sucker is operating, you will notice that dark that
is behind a solid, opaque object does not flow through the object or around it to the Dark Sucker. Some of the dark will accumulate on the side of the object away from the Dark Sucker as the Dark Sucker attempts to pull it through the object. These residual patches of dark are often referred to as `shadows.' Some surfaces are able to function as secondary Dark Suckers by sucking the dark from behind solid objects at an angle and then rerouting it to the primary Dark Sucker. These surfaces have a property we refer to as `reflective.'

 Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light.  If you were
to stand in a lit room in front of a closed, dark closet, and slowly
opened the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet.
But since dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave
the closet. So next time you see an electric bulb, remember that it is
not a light emitter but a Dark Sucker.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

The Rebound

Rebound. v. n. 

1. to bound or spring back from force of impact.
2. to recover, as from illness or discouragement.
3. Basketball. to gain hold of rebounds.

4. An undefined period following the break up of a romantic relationship.

Some experience one definition more consistently than another. At one point in my life, rebounds for me were on the basketball court. That was life in simplicity. Unfortunately, since I've stopped playing basketball, I still experience rebounds. Being the rebound is disastrous when generally speaking. It's especially painful for one so entwined with the notion of romance. I think I can only count 2 out of 10 times where I haven't been a rebound. When you're the rebound, you're the pick-me-up. You're the pep, the emotional energy bar. You're the repairman. Your only role is to put back together for another, what the previous other broke. Fortunately for someone like the plumber, he doesn't get attached to the piping he patches up. It'd be weird if he did...

This "repairman" doesn't get attached, maybe it's because he's always eating mushrooms...?

Rebound relationships are believed to be short-lived due to one partner's emotional instability and desire to distract themselves from a painful break up. Having said that, a person who is on the rebound is believed to be psychologically incapable of making reasonable decisions regarding suitable partners due to emotional neediness, lingering feelings towards the old partner, or unresolved problems from the previous relationship.

Unfortunately, a person isn't piping, literally speaking...we may have to revisit that definition on a figurative level. This means that it's nigh impossible for the "repairman" to remain uninvolved and unattached. So what happens when it all goes down? If it isn't already obvious, and it will be to those of you readers who have had some experience in life, the "repairman" gets the shaft!

The trouble with meeting someone who is on the rebound is that usually once they work out the ghosts haunting them from the previous relationship, the current relationship ends. There is even a term for this; "The Transitional Relationship".


Advice? Find out fast whether or not there are copious amounts of emotional baggage, and there will be with someone on the rebound, and keep your emotions away. Put them in a bank, under your mattress, in a safe, it doesn't matter, just lock them away. If you start to invest in that person, you'll be left with picking up the pieces.

No one can blame the rebounding person. In most cases, they aren't going out on some dogmatic mission to make someone miserable. So don't feel you have to go out and destroy this person. Leave that for your next raid. 

Hey everybody, 10 minutes until the raid to hunt down and kill Pinkpoodle's ex!!!

Rather it's the other way around. They are looking for a way to remove their own misery, to feel better about themselves, to move on. The rebound is who does this. He picks up the pieces. He makes her feel better about herself, and shows her that there is value where she once thought there wasn't. Over time, usually a short amount of time, the emotional needs of the rebounding person are met, and then....they move on. The rebound is left shattered! Lost, hurt, confused, shocked...all of the above and more.

Is it a plague? No, it isn't. It's just how emotions and psychology work. The rebounding person isn't at fault here, and neither is the rebound.The biggest favour you would ever do for yourself and for others would be to make sure you're more than over your ex, before you give another a chance.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

The Dreamer Within

There have been countless times where I've been hurt. Hurt by people, by the world, by history, by myself. I learned a long time ago that I have this dreamer within. A foolish idealist who'll continue to struggle with the harsh realities of this existence. At first, I hated it. I hated him. He sat inside of me, lost in delusional fantasies. He distracted me from dealing with the slaps and punches life threw at me. It felt as if I had to exorcise him, him and his glazed eyes, his ever optimistic spirit. It pervaded my core, my mind, my heart, surrounding me with an aura of hope. Hope that caused pain. And yet, as much as I despised him, as much as I fought to remove him, he would always win. He would always put a smile on my face. His thirst for life, as Idealistic as he saw it, drove inspiration through me. The muscles in my neck resisted, but they would always succumb, and then they would slowly lift my head up, drawing my eyes to the horizon. A horizon that was ambiguous and mysterious. The dreamer within loved that. He loved the fathomless unknown that the future was. For him, not knowing the future gave him a sense of adventure and of hope. All the things life teased me with and then took away, the dreamer within knew, that at the horizon, there the things lay. Until now, he lays within me, but now I am at harmony with him. I've realized, he isn't an intruder. He's not a parasite or an alien. He is me. I am that dreamer within. And woah does the future look bright!